There's quite a time jump here, since the last story. About 7 years. T got diagnosed with ADHD. S got diagnosed with ADHD. A bunch of other people I interacted with at the time of the earlier articles did too. Every single one of them, after talking with me about this topic, said the same thing: "dude, I think you have ADHD too." Nope, not me. Couldn't be me30. Until one day, a work colleague said something similar, but not quite the same. He told me he wasn't going to diagnose me, but that I should "look into it", or as he put it, "do a deepdive."
And so I did. I spent some time looking it up on the internet, reading about it, watching YouTube videos, and so on. I messaged T. He gave me some pointers, but most importantly, told me that my mom should be involved in the testing. I rejected this idea at first. I thought she would be against it, and not helpful. T convinced me that I do not have to talk about ADHD with her, just ask about my childhood. In the evening, I called her, and just said what it was about. She was a little confused, but we spent about 3 hours on the phone. It's funny how many times she said "that's not a symptom, I do that too" and I had to explain to her that ADHD is very genetic, and it's very likely that if I have it, she has it too, so her experience can not be used to judge whether something is "normal."
On that same day, I signed up for a proper psychiatric evaluation for ADHD. The doctor's visit was going to be a month later, which to my hyper-focused mind seemed like an eternity. I spent almost the entire time gathering more info about the disorder, but I kinda lost the focus before the day of the visit.
The first visit wasn't all that eventful - I did a screening test, answered some more questions, and was sent home with the big DIVA-5 test to do at home with my mom.
We set up a time when we would both be free for a couple of hours to do the test. On the day, she's the one who called me, which seemed a little surprising that she was showing so much initiative in this. The call began with some casual talk, and her saying that diagnosis or not, it doesn't change the way she feels about me. This meant a lot to me, and a part of me felt like I already "won" this process. I obviously stuck through with it until the end, but this moment seemed to mean more to me than the test or the diagnosis. Anyway, we did the test, as objectively as we could, discussing each point in detail. By the end of it, I counted all the boxes we'd checked and was pretty confident that I would get the diagnosis.
Only after doing the test did I call to register for another visit with the psychiatrist. This was a huge mistake, as it meant waiting another whole month. And since doing the test sparked my focus on ADHD again, I didn't just wait patiently.
I got the Dr. K's guide to mental health, specifically the ADHD module. The website was a little confusing at first, but I managed to find a video with a play button and binged them for 7 hours straight. Only after did I notice an introduction video, where he specifically says not to do this. The "correct way" to engage with the material is to spend about 30-45 minutes per day watching videos, then doing the exercises that are below them, or just reflecting, so the information settles in better. I felt awful. I felt like I ruined it for myself, and spent a good hour panicking, trying to figure out a way I could salvage whatever was left of the guide31.
Once I actually started using the guide properly, it proved to be incredibly useful. It barely talks about medication, instead focusing on other strategies one can implement to help with the symptoms of ADHD. In fact, it's not really about ADHD at all, it's about attention and how to regulate it. Dr. K says this a lot, and I really agree that in the modern world, it's easy to have problems with attention regulation, even for someone without ADHD.
Eventually, a friend asked me why was I doing all of this, if I'm not even diagnosed yet. And my answer was simple - because it works. By this time, I was deep into my to-do lists and "dopamine detox," which really made a huge difference to how I felt and what I could do.
Finally, the doctor's visit came. She had seen my test, and after asking a couple more clarifying questions, diagnosed me with moderate-severity, combined-presentation ADHD. And prescribed the drug32.
I remember the taxi ride. Not home, to the pharmacy. I bought the pills, ran home, and popped one immediately. I was anxious, as I hadn't done any drugs, especially stimulants for a looong time. About 20 minutes in, I started feeling... something. A little later and it arrived. The exact same feeling of speed. I missed you, I think. Or did I? Did I really want this in my life again? The self-imposed guilt trip came sooner than expected. The disgust too. Did I just spend over two months convincing myself, and everyone around me that I have ADHD, just so I could get high again? Fucking junkie. I looked at the pill bottle like it was the devil33.
Everyone told me not to make any conclusions about the medicine in the first 3 days to 2 weeks of use. This didn't stop me from doing exactly that. I mean, the feeling was so easy to recognize, I was clearly tweaking, hard. I caught my tongue sitting between my teeth. This was a habit I developed over a long time of doing drugs that make your jaw clench, as a way not to hurt my teeth. The very slight slur in my speech. The inability to shut up, and just how good conversations with people felt. And finally, just how badly I wanted more, once the effects started wearing off.
It had been years, and I really didn't think all of these things were still inside me. It's good I had learned to stop myself from following the urge to take more, otherwise I probably wouldn't have slept for two days straight after taking that first dose.
I skipped the next day, and then took it again the day after. Same thing, but with much more anxiety, as it was a Saturday and I went out for a walk. Sunday, 9 o'clock in the morning, I called up the work colleague who'd sent me on this path for some advice. After listening to my babble about how bad everything felt, he had one simple question - "what did you eat yesterday?" I had completely glossed over that in my head. Nothing, really. At least not until very late in the evening. He gave me a lot of good pointers34, starting with food. I wasn't going to take it again that day, as I was told to avoid taking it on weekends, and I was already starting to feel like a real addict again. But he argued that Sunday is exactly the day for it - no work, no responsibilities, plenty of time to experiment and see what works.
As time went on, and I learned how to actually make it useful, the recreational effects of the drug faded away, and I was left with something that is actually helpful to me. I guess they were right when they said not to make any conclusions in the beginning35. I also wondered just how much of what I felt was not simply similar to my previous experience with stimulants, but because of it. Could it be that my body and mind had learned to react that way to such substances, and these old habits shaped it into something it wasn't? Methylphenidate and amphetamine can not be compared directly, but I did think a lot about how I could easily take over 100 mg in a single dose and even over a couple of grams in a day of speed, but was now so thrown off by just 18 mg of methylphenidate36. Also, I thought a lot about how different it would have been if I hadn't done the guide first. To me, it feels like the medicine makes it easier to implement these strategies, but is in no way a replacement for them. Again, this could be because of my earlier experience, but I do think I could easily slip into just tweaking on it, without getting any actual usefulness if I hadn't approached this the way I did.
30I had actually seriously considered getting evaluated just so I'd have something to point to and say "you're wrong."
31Can you believe I wasn't sure if I had ADHD at that point yet?
3218 mg of extended release methylphenidate.
33I do very much believe in the saying that there's no such thing as an ex-addict, there are only addicts that have not dosed for X amount of time. And I do not use this to belittle myself or anything like that. It's a reminder of how careful I have to be, even when addiction seems like a very distant thing.
34While I do appreciate his advice very much, it feels backwards that I had to hear it from him, having spoken to a professional doctor just a couple of days ago. Honestly, all the brilliant tips I got from him and other people with ADHD feel like something that, at the very least, should have been a pamphlet.
35I just wish I hadn't been so vocal about them to everyone around me, haha.
36It was even a hit to my pride. Since this experience brought back so much of who I was back then, it also brought back the pride in being able to take large doses and do other careless things. My inner "snorter veteran" was not happy about this.