E offered me some LSD again. He found some guy online, who "accidentally bought too much", and wants to get rid of it. I get his contacts and we agree to meet up. I'm a little anxious, but I pretend that I am not. I've done this enough times by this point. He's called T, and that's pretty much all I know about him. I get to the spot we agreed to meet at, there's quite a few people, but it doesn't take me long to pick him out of the crowd. Tattoos, piercings, tunnels, even his clothes. I've seen people like that before, but never spoken to one. I thought he looked cool. Handshake, small talk, exchange, the usual. He tells me he hasn't tried this particular batch yet, and would be interested to know how it goes for me. He's planning to try it himself that day. I'm taking acid too, but not this one, it's difficult to come across, so I'm buying it for next time.
Next day, T messages me, tells me about his experience, and asks about mine. I've just had the worst trip of my life23, and I tell him honestly about it. We spend the whole day chatting. He seems nice, supportive and friendly. The way he tells it, I "did not seem like a washed-up thug" when we met, so he wanted to stay in touch.
A few days later we agree to meet. In my mind, we could be useful to each other - I'm still having my amphetamine arc, and he clearly knows how to get acid. To my disappointment, when we meet, he tells me he's trying to get off speed24. However, this disappointment is short-lived, as I quickly realize that we can just have fun hanging out, and do not need to be "useful" to one another.
Eventually, we get into this sort of rhythm: I have an amphetamine dealer, who lives in another part of town, and hate taking the bus. T has a car, but no dealer. Whenever we both run out, I set up a meet, and T takes me there. Dealers are notorious for not showing up on time, so this process takes about 2 to 3 hours each time. We spend that time just shooting the shit in the car.
One day, T invites me to a festival. He says his friends and family25 are going to be there, and he would love for me to meet them, and it would be a great opportunity for us to hang out in a friendlier setting. I've no money, but T does not care. He wants me to go so badly, he's willing to pay for my ticket. I agree.
We arrive at the festival, and walk over to a spot, where all of T's friends are. There's this huge area for tents and stuff, and we have a spot with some mandala hung between the trees, and some blankets on the ground. I'm introduced to everyone, we share some laughs and small talk. T's brother, S catches my eye. I feel like I've seen him before, but it doesn't make any sense. T's older than me, S is even older than T, and lives in a different city. Where would I have seen him?
We decide to take a walk around the festival area, and see what's up. We get to the main stage, there's barely any people there, but the DJ is playing. This is normal, as it is still quite early, and light outside. As we're walking away from the stage, S pulls out a yellow sign and hangs it around his neck.
It's you! Little chaos!
Yeah? I thought you looked familiar too, but where...
[city name], the rave, the MDMA crystal
Oh yeah! How did it go, dude?
Ah, not well. It was a complete dud. I decided to take it home, and then we tried it with some friends but it did not do anything for any of us.
Aw, that sucks man, I have to pay you back
Nah, it's fine, man. I'm just telling the story. I know it's not your fault,
No no no no no, I can't leave it like this, I have to make it up to you. Listen, I have some ketamine with me
We're back at our spot. Me and T are sitting on the ground. S hands the ketamine and a small scale to T
Just measure the usual point five for both of you
S is talking to someone else, T is pouring some ketamine on the scale. He pours some more. Then more. Eventually, there's this huge pile on the scale
S, I don't get it. I keep pouring it on the scale, there's already a mountain here, but the scale still reads only 0.25
You dumbass, I meant 0.05, not 0.5, you're not doing half a gram. Okay, just split whatever's on there between the two of you, and I'll measure my own.
Now, if my math is right 0.25 divided by 2 is 0.125. I just heard that the "usual" dose is 0.05, which is two and a half times less than what I am about to take. And what is a "usual" dose? Is it the same for someone taking ketamine for the first time, as it is for guys who take ketamine regularly enough to even have a "usual" dose? Whatever, free drugs is free drugs, I ain't no quitter.
I think about my first time with LSD, and how I had spent weeks preparing for it, reading online about the substance and what not, but I have just been informed that the ketamine will take about 10 minutes to kick in, and that's not enough time to even google it.
T, what does ketamine do?
Just wait and see.
No, but like, should I sit, should I go for a walk?
Just... sit right here, don't go anywhere.
I think I feel like going for a walk, actually
Be my guest
I stand up. Take a few steps. Walk around a little bush that was next to us. As I am half way around the bush, I feel like my legs are so heavy, I can barely lift them up from the ground. I sit back down next to T.
Yeah, I think I'm just going to sit
Maybe you should lay down
This is where my memory starts getting... blurry. I remember S getting on the ground next to me, flipping his yellow sign and pouring me some more ketamine on it26. Saying something about feeling really bad for giving me a dud crystal.
Do you have headphones?
...yeah...
Plug them into your phone, and put some music on, it will feel amazing, I promise
What even is a "phone"? Do I have a "phone"? How many "phones" do I have? Oh, I remember, my girlfriend has a phone for sure. Yup.
I manage to get the headphones in and play some music for myself. S wasn't wrong, it does sound pretty good. I enjoy it for a while, but my vision becomes weird. I see the mandala hanging between the trees. Or do I? Everything I see looks just like a blob of colors. It's getting darker.
I wake up. I feel soo sick and nauseous. "I'm never doing drugs again in my life." I look around. All the people I knew are gone.
Do you have a tissue?
Some fucking Latvian dude is asking me this. Where did he come from?
...no?
You really need to wipe your nose man, it's all white. Stay right here, I'm going to get you something
Thanks? I mean genuinely, it was nice. I felt like he wanted to help me, and that made me feel good. But what the fuck, where did he even come from? Who is he? A moment later he returns with a wet wipe, and helps me clean my nose. I'm still laying on the ground wondering what the fuck was that, and where did all my friends go.
[Enter: stage left. T, S, and some random guy]
What the fuck, man, you knew we were doing ketamine, why would you give us weed?!27
We were so out, man
Everyone is sitting on some camping chairs, and I eventually get off the ground and join them. Everyone is doing speed. "No way, I'm off drugs for good." But they keep telling me I'll feel better if I do a line of speed. "Well okay, speed is an exception." I have some of my own, but I end up needing help to take it out and form a line just so I could snort it. It works as promised though - I start feeling like something resembling a human again almost immediately. "Okay, I don't know about not doing drugs, but I am definitely never doing ketamine again."
Guys... How many lines of ketamine did I take?
I don't remember exactly, but it must have been at least four.
Four!? I remember two: the first one, when everything was still fine, and the second one - when everything was getting super blurry already. But four?! At least four. This is scary. I was out for about an hour, and this is genuinely the only hour in my life I do not remember. I mean, sure, I don't remember my whole life in perfect chronological order, but I can always tell what happened in the past hour. But this is just blank. A whole hour, where I apparently did things, but can not remember at all.
If you ever have a child, and they're disabled, remember - it's because of today.
Night comes28. Festival things. Music, dancing, talking to random people. Meeting friends you did not expect to be here. The usual. Eventually, I end up sitting in the back of T's car, with him and S sitting in the front. We're just chilling, sharing stories, having a good time.
Damn, T, you said you were bringing a great guy, but I did not believe it. Where did you even find him?
It felt good to be accepted like that. It no longer felt strange that I'd only just met these people.
S pulls out the ketamine again. Him and T take some. He turns back to me, holding a little spoon. Sure.
Morning comes. S' girlfriend finds us, and is furious. Apparently, she had been looking for him all night, and he's so out of it, he can't even say anything. I assure her, that we did not take "that much" ketamine.29. She drags S out of the car and they leave somewhere.
It's just me and T now. Reflection time. We came here, looked at the place for less than an hour, and before the festival even started, we were literally in a coma. Then, we spent most of the night sitting in the parking lot, rather than actually being at the festival. We felt awful about ourselves. Felt awful physically too.
Eventually, the urge to pee gets us out of the car. Legs still barely work, but we end up back where the rest of the people are. We have a look around, and go get some food. Everything feels so heavy. We eat, and go back to the original spot, where we had set up our camp. I lay down. T approaches me, and asks if I took my insulin for the food. I did not.
Well, what are you waiting for, do it now then!
I pull out my syringe, inject, and turn back on my side, hoping to catch a quick nap or something. Somebody notices.
Wait, did that guy just inject something?
Yes, it was heroin.
And no one seemed to care.
You know, when we were getting out of the car, I thought we were about a 2/10. But after seeing how everyone else is doing here, I think we're a solid 7.
Looking around, I couldn't really disagree. It genuinely felt less like a music festival where someone somewhere was doing drugs, and more like a drug festival where someone somewhere was playing music. While waiting in line for the food earlier, I heard some guy say "if you ever have a choice in life between doing something sober, and doing it on drugs, always pick the second option." I'm not sure if he was being serious, but it sure sounds like a mission statement of this whole event.
I had to leave a day early. T and S tried convincing me to stay, but it was my mom's birthday, and I had made a promise to her. After hearing what happened to them after I left the festival, I'm kind of glad I did.
23Not just the worst trip up until that point. It's still the worst one I've ever had. Somehow, everything became meaningless, and I came to the conclusion, that the only logical option for me is suicide. I did not do it immediately, because I was surrounded by friends. These thoughts weakened after the trip, but did not go away completely, until my next one.
24I had not tried quitting at that point, and had no real idea what it meant. As it later turned out, this was not final by any means.
25Family?
26That's what it's for! It's a portable snorting tray!
27I'm assuming 'us' refers to S and T in that sentence.
28Yes, the whole story so far takes place under sunlight. It was evening, but the sky was not dark.
29From my point of view, this was a very normal sentence. But as I learned from her, years later, I was not actually talking to her. I was talking to a reflection of her, I could see on one of the windows of the car, while making all sorts of strange faces.