This might sound strange, but I don't think I ever wanted to do amphetamine. In the MDMA article, I did say I wanted to try everything, but I don't think I really knew what amphetamine was. Pretty much the only time I had heard the name was when my weed dealer offered me some once. I rejected. The name kinda sounded like something beyond the line I was willing to cross. It sounded like some really hard drug, like heroin or something.
K threw a party at her parents house, when they were away. The party was called "fiesta". A lot of the people I mentioned in this series so far were there. A lot of interesting things happened in that party, like the first time I tried to "candy flip"12. But the most important thing for this story, was that K told me about wanting to try some drug that would need to be taken through the nose. She said, she would only do it once. Obviously, her preference was cocaine, but she said she would be willing to try amphetamine as well.
Since Valentines day was coming up, I decided to fullfill her wish. I went to the dealer, who had offered me amphetamine that one time, and bought some. I made a card that read "happy amph-alentines day" on it, and put the baggie in there. But... I wasn't just going to give her something, before even knowing what it was, right? So I took a little less than half of what was in the baggie, and stored it separately. On the day before Valentines, I decided to try some. My first line. It wasn't even a line really, more like a circular pile. I don't think I even used any straw, I just put my nose to it, and inhaled.
The next thing I remember is running. I had to meet up with some friends at a restaurant, and I took the speed just before leaving. I put on some music with a high BPM, and I felt this intense urge to run. It felt so good. I am speed13. Upon meeting my friends, I didn't tell anyone about what I just did. I think K was there, and I didn't want to spoil the surprise. Talking felt good, but soon after, the drug started wearing off. I didn't know what to do with myself. The want need for more was intense. I excused myself into the bathroom. I closed the door behind me, I just needed a couple of minutes alone. I looked in the mirror again, and washed my face.
The next day was Valentines. It was a Thursday. I met with K and handed her the card, with the idea that there's a rave on Friday, so we can do it tomorrow.
No, let's try some now
So we did. Funny, we still compared it to weed14. There's no need to roll a joint, there's no smell after, no red eyes, no feeling like everyone can tell that you're high. But there is something else. Not only can no one tell that we're high, they also can not tell how much better we are than them. We are like the most amazing people, we can do anything, and no one can compare to us15.
Then the feeling began slipping away. This time, I didn't just have to keep myself from taking more, K was with me. And she wanted more. And since the baggie was my gift to her, she was the one who had the final say. We took another dose each. Then again. And again. We ended up using up the whole bag that day. I guess it was a good thing I didn't give her everything I bought, so we actually still had some for the rave.
A little later, something stupid happened. I desperately wanted to buy some more, but my dealer ran out. I found another dude willing to sell me some, but there was a problem: he's only willing to sell 10g16. Not only is that a stupid amount, it's expensive. So I asked around with my friends, if anyone wanted to share with me, and I got a pretty decent deal, I'd only keep around 2g or so. I meet the guy, get the stuff, run to meet my friends. Once we meet, the miscommunication becomes clear - they thought I was getting MDMA, for some reason. No one really wants speed. So instead of being left with 2g, I end up only giving away 2g, and left with 8 for myself.
I had some self control, I thought. It was slow at first, I only took a line "on occasion". But then, someone invites me for a walk, and I'd really like to go, but I just don't have the energy for it. Or there's this thing at school, and...
I ran out. Got more. No miscommunication this time. 7g. For myself. By this point, the "occasions" had become really funny. Not enough sleep? Line. Meeting friends? Line. Quick run to the store? Line. Fuck, I remember taking a line simply because I went to the bathroom. Really. I was out with some friends, we ate some fast food, and I went to the bathroom. "Well, since I'm here, and I don't know when I'll get another chance, I might as well, right?" I always had speed on me. There was a dedicated baggie compartment in my wallet. Wouldn't leave the house without it. Just in case. Another thing that was different is that I stopped telling my friends about it, pretty quickly. All other drugs were a social thing. Not speed. Speed is for me.
Stop. I'm not even feeling it anymore, I need a break. There's this big event coming up on Friday, it would be a good idea to take a week off, right? A week. Well, okay... Five days, I'll start Monday. But still, five days. I was irritable, angry. Counting hours until the event. I'm not sure if I even cared about it, I just knew it meant I could finally take speed again. The day comes, K can't even recognize me. It got so bad, I didn't actually wait for the event to start, I did a line by lunch. It was Friday already, though, so I kept my promise, right? And it was... good? Back to normal. Not angry anymore. My friends like me, they can see I am feeling better. Most of them didn't know, of course.
12A candy flip is when you mix LSD and MDMA.
13An exact quote from my inner thoughts.
14I know this is taking place just a little over a month after the MDMA story, but remembering it all now, I am still amazed at how long I kept doing that.
15This is a feeling I used to have for quite a while when I began using speed. It went away once the addiction really kicked in, with all the self-hatred.
16For clarification, the first time I only bought 1g.